1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
