Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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