Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you told grandpa to call you daddy
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
