I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
