im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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