When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
