So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
