I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
