And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
