no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
