I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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