I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
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You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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