i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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