I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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