my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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