I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
