You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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