I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
