If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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