the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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