So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
