I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
