i think my mom watched the whole time
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
