Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
