Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
