I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
