Pappa wants mamma naked
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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