They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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