Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
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Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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