I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
