You made me cry and you don't even care
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
