and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
