i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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