I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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