we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
