You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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