I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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