he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
