I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So here I am, sexting at work.
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