someone threw a dead crab at me
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
