I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
