What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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