I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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