she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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