I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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