he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
