Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
