Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think I have vodka in my lungs
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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