You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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