Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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