It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
