My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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