I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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