He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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