I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
