Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
